Someday...

Facing this screen makes my head feel dizzy but the thought of typing down my crazy world here motivates me. These past few days, my mind has been miserable. There are days when I can't just think of better things rather than kinds of stuff that makes me wanna question my existence. You see, I was mentally, emotionally and I don't know if the OJT is enough reason for me to become physically tired. I am tired. I am so tired that I didn't even know what to do next.

It is happening again. That feeling when I assume that someone likes me and I will think of possibilities but I don't like the person and my mind will go mad again. I don't like him. I don't like anyone right now. I don't even like myself. For that person, if you're reading this, you don't deserve me and I don't deserve you either. I just know that you are not the person my soul, mind, and heart are longing for. I am sorry.

To my self, I am sorry for being like this. For being selfish and hateful. For being like this. For being someone that nobody can't stand. I just don't feel like we belong somewhere. You know that they don't really like us. We are second chances by luck and we are the least option anyone could have. I am sorry for being too much dramatic but this is how my mind runs now. But you know that we could be saved. He is saving us from all of this. He is going to save us from all of the judgments and wars inside our world. He won't let us face the cruel world without a weapon. His hands are our weapons and his heart is our shield. Remember for He is the only one who could punish us for every sin. 

I don't want to waste my life but I don'T know what else to think. My blueprints don't seem to fit in my future. My mind is going mad as hell. My heart is screaming for help. My soul is longing for a change. 

But I will be right here. Someday, you will be successful. You will give your parents a wealthy life and you'll support your sisters' educations as they will chase their own paths of success, too. Life would be hard but you can overcome all of it. You will be healed and as time passes by, you will realize how grateful you are that you didn't give up. That you poured your heart, mind, and soul to every goal and dreams you have made. You will be grateful because you are successful, a famous novel writer and wealthy businesswoman who has her own library and restaurant for her mother and father. Your sisters will be as professional as you and you will live each day someday like you are celebrating for an occasion. And of course, at the right time, you will meet someone worth your tears and kindness. You will meet someone who will appreciate the own beauty you have. 

So please, as you travel the world someday with your parents and sisters, don't forget Him. For he guides you every path you take. He protected you and your family and the whole world. He loves you and he will never betray you. Self, lean onto him and he shall wipe away your fears and tears. Be brave facing every day of your life. Don't give up because he never will.

-D🌸🌸🌸

To Become A Better Me

Okay, so I'm going to start this blog by telling you the truth. I don't know what to write. I don't know if my hands were just tired of the same shitty words every day or my mind is so occupied that my vocabulary halted every word that wanted to come in or----I was just really fucked up. I don't know. These past few days, I really wanted to write. I really wanted to express myself through the words that we use every day but not everybody could interpret the meaning. I became exhausted, stressed, damned. I became so hopeless that I even can't trust myself that much. I don't know what to do. I wanted to cry for help but the tears never went down. 

To refresh and start a new life, I decided to go on a diet which I always promise every time someone tells me I am getting fat or I am fat. I know bitch. So that is why I felt envious of those thin, sexy bodies. I want to become my better self. I want to improve. So, I decided that I wanted to have more wisdom. I could get that by reading and observing, right? I want to be clean enough. I want to be mature enough. I want to express myself enough. I want to use the words you have used but conveyed difference metaphorically. I want to be fresh as new. I want to pay my debts, buy more books, work in a cafe and support my family and myself. I want to do all of this. And I know I can do this. Yes, maybe I can. No, I really can. I CAN DO IT ALL! I will be the better me I was longing for. That better person that my present me wants to feel and see. 

This is it. There is no turning back!

P.S. I will keep you updated on how little by little I make myself better. I will be successful and I will share my experiences with you!

With best regards,
d 🌸🌸🌸